And the winning joke for July is…
One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He hadn’t been there for awhile. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.
At once, they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave.”
The old man frowned, “I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked nor to make you get out of the pond naked. Holding up the bucket, he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”
Moral: Some old men can still think fast!
Lorene Recio
—>
Hydrogen & Oxygen are sitting in a bar and gold walks in.
Hydrogen & Oxygen say “AU get of the bar.”
Note: AU is the atomic symbol for gold.
Kristen Harvey & Danielle Stannard
*–>
Hear about the wooden car?
It had wooden doors, wooden motor, and it wooden go.
Jerry
*–>
What do you hear when a cow starts singing?
moo-sic
Kira Brooks
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There were two muffins sitting in an oven. The first muffin says to the other, “Is it just me or is it hot in here?”
The second muffin says, “AHH! Talking Muffin!”
Molly
**–>
What does a Polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard?
A NEW last name!
Laura Slowkauskie
*–>
What do you get when a vampire and a snowman bite you in the same spot?
Frost Bite
Kara
no –>
A 98-year-old man and woman with kids who still live at home refrain from having sex and the doctor asks why?
Helga says, “We’re just waiting for the kids to die.”
Liz Jones
–>
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Harold.
Harold who?
Harold do you think I am?
Sean
–>
I took my wife to my 40th class reunion. She caught me looking at a lady classmate who was a little drunk…but happy drunk.
My wife asked why I was looking at her. I said she was my high school sweetheart and never got over me breaking up with her. My wife said we have been married 36 years, and she believes this woman has not stopped celebrating.
Mike Coughlin
–>
I was fiddling around with the back of a portable radio one day when my six-year-old daughter looks at me in horror. “Daddy, you shouldn’t be touchin’ that! It’s radio-active!”
True Story
–>
A rabbi, a duck and a cowboy walked into a bar. The bartender looked over at them all and said, “What is this, a joke?”
Philip Whitmore
–>
What do you get when you cross a computer with a spider?
A web page
Alex Giovannetti (Bandon, Oregon)
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Did you hear about the chocolate girl who ate her own toes?
She was self-defeeting!
Original Joke by Moshe Ross
–>
Why was there lipstick all over the steering wheel of her car.
She was trying to blow her horn
Deanna
*—>
Why did the chicken cross the road, roll around in the dirt and cross the road again?
Because he wanted to be dirty and double crossin’.
*–>
For Irene – From Jessy and Eric Jordan
We Love U!
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Arti.
Arti who?
Artichokes when he eats to fast!
*–>
How does the rancher count all his cattle in the pasture?
He uses his “cow”culator
Lisa Maekaman
by Lisa Maekaman
–>
Why couldn’t the cantaloupe marry?
Because it can’t elope!
Natalie Breneiser
*–>
A guy goes in a bar, orders 7 shots and starts shooting them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, “Slow down, slow down. What’s the matter?”
The guy says, “You don’t want what I have.”
The bartender says, “What’s that?”
The guy says, “25 cents.”
by Egon Dubous
*–>
When the wife tells me to get in shape, I remind her that round is a shape.
by Danny P
Danny P.
**–>
Did you hear about the guy who pulled a 15-pound booger out of his nose? His head collapsed so he couldn’t eat it. By Joe Romano & Marcello RRomano
Joe & Marcello Romano
**–>
Ed and Dorothy meet while on vacation, and Ed falls head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them go to dinner and have a serious talk about how they will continue their relationship.
“It’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut,” Ed says to his lady friend. “I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that’s a problem, you’d better say so now.”
Dorothy responds, “If we’re being honest with each other, here goes…I’m a hooker.”
“I see,” Ed replies and is quiet for a moment. Then he adds, “You know, it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off…”
Susan Shorey
**–>
Adam and God are talking. Adam says to God, “I want the perfect woman. She must be smart, witty and think for herself. And of course, beautiful.”
God replies, “That’ll cost you an arm and a leg.”
Adam thinks for a second and says, “What can I get for a rib?”
And the rest, as they say, is history…
Anonymous
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