ANNOUNCING SEPTEMBER’S WINNING ENTRY:
A girl was visiting her friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. Her friend responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”
“Hellloooooo….,” answered the friend,”They’re watchdogs!”
Fisher Hilden
And here’s the rest of the entries…
He didn’t like the casserole
And he didn’t like my cake
He said my biscuits were too hard…
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn’t perk the coffee right
He didn’t like the stew,
I didn’t mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the CRAP out of him…
Like his mother used to do.
Lorene Recio
—>
My friend was pulling out of her driveway, when her four-year-old daughter decided to have a fit.
To distract her, she said, “Tiana, help Mommy look for cars so we don’t hit anyone.”
Tina settled down, then yelled out, “Mommy, stop. Here comes the PMS truck!”
Judith McMillan
—>
Q: What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant hill?
A:Dead ants
Dead ants
Dead ants, dead ants, dead ants
Angie
—>
The Mother Superior gathers all the sisters together and tells them, “I have discovered there is a case of gonorrhea in our convent.”
After a moment of silence, an elderly sister speaks up and says, “Oh good, Mother. To tell the truth, I was getting very tired of the chardonnay.
Joanie N
—>
Two women going for a walk with their dogs get thirsty and want to go into a bar for a drink.
They can’t take their dogs with them, so they get an idea.
They put on dark glasses and walk in pretending they’re blind.
The bartender serves the first woman, who has a German Shepherd, a drink. But, he tells the second woman, “I’m sorry, you can’t bring your Chihuahua in here.”
The lady says in a shocked tone, “What! They gave me a Chihuahua!”
Ann Wilton
—>
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Choo-choo
Choo-choo who?
Choo-choo train
Bailey Matthews (Age 5)
—>
A Minnesota Story
All of his life, Oley had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday.
On that day, they’d walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So when Oley’s 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Oley stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Sven just managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Oley went to see his grandmother. “”Grandmother, it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like my father, his father and his before him?”
Granny looked into Oley’s eyes and said, “Because, you dumb ass, your father, grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January; you were born in July.”
David Gullet
—>
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever
Nick
—>
How do you make an egg roll?
Take it to the top of a hill and give it a little shove.
Buzzsaw
—>
Did you hear about the two antennae that got married?
The wedding was boring but the reception was great.
Theo White
—>
How do you keep an elephant from charging?
Take away his credit card!
Renee Eschtruth Harrison (Age 5)
—>
A horse walks into a bar. Just as he is ready to order a drink, the bartender says, “Why the long face?”
Peter Zukis
—>
Q: How do make a Kleenex dance?
A: Put a little boogie in it.
Rough House Kickboxing Academy
—>
Q: What do you do when an elephant stubs his toe?
A: You call the big tow truck.
Linda Newcomb
—>
Q: What do you call a boomerang that never comes back?
A: A stick.
Rees and Dominic
—>
Q: What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
A: Dam
Tim Anderson and Jennifer Jacobsson
—>
A blonde pushes her BMW in to a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, “What’s the story?” He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor.” She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”
Kathy
—>
A police officer stops a woman for speeding and asks her very nicely if he can see her license. She replies in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday, you took away my license, and then today, you expect me to show it to you?”
Dana Yearsley
—>
There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. “Yoo-hoo!” she shouts, “How can I get to the other side?” The second blonde looks up the river then down it and shouts back, “You ARE on the other side!”
Sharon
—>
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. “Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.” The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left shoulder and screams. Then, she pushes her elbow and screams even more. She pushes her knee and screams; Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?” “Well, no,” she says, “I’m actually a blonde.” “I thought so,” the doctor says, “Your finger is broken.”
Richard Kraft
—>
Q: What does a pirate ride besides a boat?
A: A Aaarghley Davidson
John Ropp (Age 7)
—>
A young lady was out to buy a new car. Test driving one with the salesman beside her, she happened to notice there were no knobs on the radio.
She asked the salesman about this and was told that instead of tuning in the radio, all she had to do was say what she wanted to listen to. She though awhile, then said, “Country and Western.” Right away the radio began playing a Johnny Cash song. Still unconvinced, she said aloud, “Rock and Roll.” Immediately, she heard the Rolling Stones.
Distracted, she almost hit another car. She yelled, “You pompous jerk!” And, the president addressed the nation.
Danny P.
—>
Q: Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?
A: Because he wanted to “Get along, little dogie.”
Brandi Goheen
—>
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.”
Amanda Misa
—>
Q: What do Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny and a smart blonde all have in common?
A: None of them exist
Jessica Lemhouse
—>
Q: What do you call a snail on a ship?
A: A Snailor
Knock-knock
Who’s there?
Alda and alda
Alda and alda who?
I am getting alda and alda standing out here.
Q: What’s a pig called when it gets in trouble?
A: Swine!
Karen Bach
—>
This guy shows up on a small island and asks the chief, “Do you still have cannibals around here?”
“Oh no, sir,” the chief answers, “We ate the last one yesterday!”
Terry
—>
I once had a fantastic bowl of soup in an Irish restaurant. I asked how it was made, and the cook, in a thick Irish accent said, “Well, the most important part of the soup is to count the beans. Exactly 239 beans, no less.”
“Why 239,” I ask.
“Well, one less is just a wee bit thin, and one more is just too farty (240).”
John Lucier
—>
Q: What’s a sharks favorite game?
A: Swallow the leader
Peter Bach
—>
Q: What is the cows favorite song?
A: Home on the ranch
Q: What did the Bergers name their daughter?
A: Patty
Q: What did the calendar pen name his three daughters?
A: April, May and June
Ananda Lockheed
—>
A neutron walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, give me a drink.”
The bartender says, “For you, neutron, no charge!”
Toni Scott
—>
Q: What’s brown and sticky?
A: A stick
Oliver Maude (Age 7)
—>
A car full of Blondes go to Disneyland. They see a sign that says “Disneyland Left,” so they turn around and go home.
Jon Raby
—>
Q: What kind of bees make milk?
A: Boobies!
Kyle Storie
—>
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”
“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.
“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on Earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
Ellis Wilson
—>
Person 1: “You have a henway on your shirt.”
Person 2: “What’s a henway?”
Person 3: “Oh, about 2-3 pounds!”
Q: Why did the cow go to the theater?
A: To see a mooo-vie!
Sage Francois (Age 7)
—>
Q: What has wheels and a trunk, but no engine?
A: An elephant on rollerskates.
Jade Head (Age 9)
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