The sacred practice of parenting a teenager comes with an invitation to let go. Not an easy task as you’ve just come from the stage of helping them tie shoes and pack their lunches. And yet, as they begin to tower over you with their height, they also need their space energetically to figure out who they are and how they tick.
And, your guidance is essential. You are needed now as the one who believes in them and coaches from the sidelines. They need your feedback and your help when they inevitably get into tricky situations. But there is a difference between continuing to do the little things for them in order to make their life flow “easier”, and actually stepping in when they aren’t able to pick themselves up. Even then, unless they or someone else is in danger, it’s not a swooping in to rescue them from discomfort. Coach them to notice what their healthy next steps will be. Help them to see possibilities.
An example of this is when you manage their school life. Consistently reminding them to study, turn things in, or talking with their teachers for them tells them that you don’t believe they can figure it out. It also takes away their learning about how to manage life and make mistakes. Mistakes are essential for the development of resiliency and responsibility.
School is an area where they will feel natural consequences of their actions by their grades and relationships with their teachers. Let them experience the cause and effect of their actions.
Of course, there are kids for whom the standard type of education and schooling is not a fit. There may be neurodivergence, emotional turmoil or trauma, or a learning style that requires extra outside support or a different path. Helping them access support in these instances is essential. They do need you as parents to help them through these complex areas. The coach might need to come in off the sidelines to pick them up off the field and bring them to resources to gain better access or heal. But, if you are managing, they aren’t in a detrimental situation, and they say that they “have it”… let them figure it out. Trust them. Let go.
Finding a mentor can help them set goals, locate resources, and make a plan. Someone like this by their side can be an essential piece towards them feeling capable in their world. By talking things through with someone, other than parents, can often times be the way they actually hear and take in next steps that are available to them.
Having a mentor is not only supportive but is a natural developmental relationship to have at this stage. Teens are looking for voices other than their parents. A trusted adult can help them broaden their awareness, find their authentic gesture, and gain more confidence in their world. We aren’t meant to do this alone.
