First, you are not alone. Many parents experience this feeling of responsibility and worry. It’s a natural parental instinct to want to protect and guide our children.
Second, your teen’s journey is ultimately theirs. While you can offer support, guidance, and love, you can’t make them learn or be responsible. Trying to control their path can actually backfire, leading to more resistance and resentment. Think of it like learning to ride a bike – you can run alongside them, offer encouragement, and pick them up when they fall, but they ultimately have to pedal themselves.
Third, failing at certain things is a part of growing up. Setbacks and struggles are often valuable learning experiences. It’s through these challenges that teens develop resilience, problem-solving skills, and a sense of self. Protecting them from all failure can actually hinder their growth. Let them feel discomfort.
Fourth, responsibility is a skill that develops over time. It’s not something that just clicks on one day. It requires practice, and sometimes, making mistakes. Think back to when you were a teen – did you always make the best choices? Probably not.
Fifth, you need to take care of yourself, too. Feeling constantly stressed and responsible for your teen’s every move is exhausting and unsustainable. It’s crucial to prioritize your own well-being. Regulate your nervous system first.
Here are some things you can do:
Focus on the relationship: Instead of focusing solely on their “failures,” prioritize connecting with your teen. Spend quality time together, listen to their perspective (even if you don’t agree with it).
Encourage small steps: Instead of expecting a complete overnight transformation, encourage small steps towards responsibility. Praise their efforts, even if they’re small, and avoid criticizing their mistakes.
What you focus on grows: notice their little wins.
Let natural consequences happen (within reason): Sometimes, the best way for teens to learn is to experience the natural consequences of their actions. Allow them to feel discomfort.
Communicate openly: Have open and honest conversations with your teen about your concerns. Avoid lecturing or nagging. Express your feelings using “I” statements, and listen to their perspective.
Seek professional help (for both of you, if needed): If you’re feeling overwhelmed or if your teen is struggling significantly, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. Sometimes, having a neutral third party to talk to can make a world of difference.
Set boundaries for yourself: It’s important to set boundaries for yourself and to recognize that you can’t control your teen’s choices. Focus on what you can control – your own actions and reactions.
Find support: Connect with other parents, join a support group, or talk to a trusted friend or family member. Sharing your experiences and getting support from others can be incredibly helpful.
Remember, you’re not a failure if your teen is struggling. Parenting is challenging, and there are no guarantees. Focus on building connection and a strong relationship with your teen. Your teen needs to find their own path. You are their coach.
