Often, when you’re in conflict in a relationship, the reason repair can feel so out of reach is because one or both of you are coming from a young, wounded or protected place and thinking you’re having an adult conversation. When I say ‘young place’ I’m referring to what is commonly called the inner child along with the more teenage protective parts of you fighting for their needs. One good way to tell if this is happening is to ask yourself in a moment of conflict if you’re wanting connection and closeness or if you’re merely trying to be right and survive the conflict? If you notice you’re fighting for the ground you stand on and are hell bent on making your point, there’s a good chance you’re not coming from your essential self. This is a good time for one of you to hold up the ‘time-out’ sign and ask for what can be called a TMM or ‘total maturity moment.’ This means that one of you has enough space to stop the momentum of the conflict and call for a different conversation. This slowing down allows your adult selves to regain your footing and get real about the places in you that are triggered and get down to what’s really going on. So the three steps would be 1) Am I looking for connection or to be right? 2) Whoever in the conflict is a little less triggered and can see what’s happening calls for a TMM or total maturity moment. 3) You both get curious about the young parts of you who are clamoring to get their needs met.
With these three steps, you have the beginnings of a mature vulnerable conversation with a good chance of ending in closeness and intimacy. This changes the whole landscape of conflict to a field of opportunity for deeper connection.
